Recorded on September, 18, 1955. First broadcast on September, 20, 1955. Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes. Produced by Peter Eton. Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Musical interludes by Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. Transcribed by Digby Green. Corrections by Tony Wills, Paul Winalski and others. Additional corrections by thegoonshow.net
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC home service.
GRAMS: (FRED THE OYSTER) EEE AW EEE AW OOH (DONKEY NOISE) RUDE NOISE.
GREENSLADE: Thank you. In the last three years, war books have had the highest sales in the world, but no where else. Among the best sellers were:
SECOMBE: 'Reach for the Sky'.
SELLERS: 'The Cruel Sea'.
MILLIGAN: 'I Flew for the Fuehrer'.
SECOMBE: 'The Colditz Story'.
MILLIGAN: 'The Hotditz Story'. And now!
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service.
GRAMS: (FRED THE OYSTER) DONKEY EY AW RUDE NOISE
MILLIGAN: The story we tell tonight is one of courage, heroism, tenacity. Of a man gifted with a great intellect, his name was...
MILLIGAN: No, not him, it was Seagoon MCC.
SEAGOON: Yes, Seagoon MCC. I was a batman, get it, Seagoon MCC - batman heh hah hah hah eeh ha ha.
GREENSLADE: The Book, 'Seagoon MCC' is available in leather, paper or book form. All in all, sixteen brass and porridge bound volumes, complete with colour plates, words, pages and needle nardle noo.
SELLERS: The foreword for this massive tome...
ECCLES: Tome, what's a tome?
FLOWERDEW: Nobody I live with myself.
GREENSLADE: The foreword for this tome was written by Field Marshal Eccles, who also wrote the backword. We proudly present...
SEAGOON: Seagoon MCC!
ORCHESTRA: LONG FANFARE MILITARY TRUMPETS
SEAGOON: Chapter 1. 1939, I joined the colours.
ELLINGTON: Man, welcome to the regiment.
GREENSLADE: Chapter 4, in which Neddie Seagoon is transferred to a more suitable regiment.
FX: CLANK OF MANACLES UNDER:
SEAGOON: No no put me down. Help! you can't do that to me. Help!
SERGEANT: Shut up
GRYTPYPE: Ah now what have we got here?
SERGEANT: A volunteer sir.
SEAGOON: It's all a mistake sir, Its all a mistake. I can't join. You can't take me I'm, (Welsh accent) I'm an American buddy you see. I'm an American. I, I, I'm from the prairie ay ay I'm from the prairie, I'm er, I'm from New York.
GRYTPYPE: New York?
GRYTPYPE: Oh, do know the Bronx?
SEAGOON: (Welsh accent) I know them well, I married their daughter Gladys Bronk.
GRYTPYPE: You'd better report to the American army authorities, just through there.
SEAGOON: (Welsh accent) Oh thank you buddy.
FX: OPENS DOOR. CLOSES DOOR.
SEAGOON: Ah. Good morning.
GRYTPYPE: Good morning buddy. You want to join the American Army buddy?
SEAGOON: No no I can't join you see, I, I'm, I'm, I'm British,
GRYTPYPE: I knew you weren't American the moment you mentioned your marriage to Gladys Bronk.
GRYTPYPE: I am Gladys Bronk.
SEAGOON: Darling, together again.
GRYTPYPE: Shall we dance?
SEAGOON: Of course.
ORCHESTRA: WALTZ MUSIC
GREENSLADE: That was the special happy ending for housewives. Now here is what really happened.
GRYTPYPE: Sergeant - arrest that fat bladder of lard.
SEAGOON: Oh buddy darling. No. I, I, I can't join the army. You see, I'm only sixteen.
GRYTPYPE: Then you'll have to lie about your age.
SEAGOON: I am lying about my age.
GRYTPYPE: Huh. Congratulations your the first man to lie his way into the army, next please.
SEAGOON: Curses dear listeners. Dear listeners all my cunning: skirt; urchin cut; high heeled shoes, have availed me not. Never mind dear listeners, no army can hold a Seagoon for long. Hah ah. I had ideas. After all, money talks.
MILLIGAN: I am thrupenny bit.
SEAGOON: Silence! I'll put the coppers on yuh.
GRYTPYPE: Seagoon. Why are you hanging around?
SEAGOON: I'll tell you why. (aside) I took out a roll of pound notes and tossed the rubber band into his lap.
GRYTPYPE: Wait, this rubber band is empty.
FX: ARMY MARCHING.
SERGEANT: Left right left right (Seagoon yelling in background)
GREENSLADE: Chapter 5, in which Seagoon tries to work his ticket.
SEAGOON: Yes. As I sat in my padded cell chained to the wall in a double straight jacket. I thought. I know what I'll do, I'll act mad. Haa haa, yes haa haa. Warder I want to join the lovely British army.
GRYTPYPE: Sign here please.
GREENSLADE: Chapter 6 in which private Seagoon tries to work his ticket.
SEAGOON: Yes. When the Blitz came, England was under a very heavy aerial bombardment, mainly from the air. I thought up a mad hare-brained scheme that would surely prove I was unfit for military service.
SERGEANT: Left right left right left right left right left right.
FX: SOUND OF TROOPS MARCHING.
SERGEANT: Private Seagooooon - Halt. Private Seagoon from the right number!
SEAGOON: One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.
SERGEANT: Private Seagoon all correct and present correct sir.
GRYTPYPE: Stand easy.
FX: STANDS EASY.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie. You know that idea you submitted?
SEAGOON: Huh Huh Huh. The one about filling bags of skin with gas and letting them up on pieces of string above London to frighten enemy aircraft.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, that one.
SEAGOON: Hah ahha that one, ha ha. Anyone thinking up an idea like that should be thrown out of the army eh? Hahhh , (wobbling lips)ribble, ribble, ribble.
GRYTPYPE: Look up there in the sky.
SEAGOON: Ahhhh, bags of skin on pieces of string - my idea.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, barrage balloons, and as a token of gratitude, the War Office has granted you promotion.
FX: TROOPS MARCHING AWAY.
SERGEANT: Left right, left right, left right...
GREENSLADE: Chapter 7, in which Lance Corporal Seagoon tries to work his ticket.
SEAGOON: This time. I decided to take my crazy scheme to another quarter, to some real idiot.
BLOODNOK: At the time I was heavily engaged in the defence of London. See also 'The War Memoirs of Major Dennis Bloodnok Professional Coward' - price two shillings.
SEAGOON: I'd expected to find the Major in a sumptuous Whitehall office.
BLOODNOK: Ah, but no. I was a simple soldier, and content to defend London from a quiet country field in a little iron room five hundred feet below ground.
FX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK (POUNDING ON BUNKER DOOR)
BLOODNOK: I surrender. I surrender. (sings) Deutschland Deutschland über alles.
SEAGOON: It's Corporal Seagoon.
BLOODNOK: What? (sings) There'll always be an England. (normal)Oh oh ha ha. Come in lad.
FX: METAL DOOR BEING DRAGGED OPEN.
BLOODNOK: Have they invaded yet?
SEAGOON: No sir.
BLOODNOK: Haul down that German flag.
SEAGOON: Major, you're not thinking of surrender?
BLOODNOK: What? A Bloodnok never surrenders. I never get near enough. See also my war biography 'A Bloodnok Never Surrenders' by Major Dennis Bloodnok P.O.W. Now, would you care to, care to join me in a small shot of schnapps?
SEAGOON: I don't like small schnapp shots sir.
BLOODNOK: Say that again.
SEAGOON: I daren't risk it.
BLOODNOK: Oh. Personally, I don't blame you, however. Now... To whom do I owe the honour of this visit?
BLOODNOK: What a brilliant description.
SEAGOON: Needle nardle noo.
BLOODNOK: Sit here, please, yes.
SEAGOON: I crept under a concrete safe with him.
BLOODNOK: I'll just put on my on my eight steel hats, three gas masks and strap on this stirrup pump. Ah, there. Now let them come, now. What is it?
SEAGOON: Major, did you do know England is under a heavy air offensive?
BLOODNOK: I had heard rumours, yes.
SEAGOON: Major, I have a brilliant plan.
BLOODNOK: That sounds like a brilliant plan! (aside) If it works, I shall accept the responsibility. If it fails it was all his idea in the first place.
SEAGOON: Aside. Good. If it went wrong I'll be blamed. Huh huh huh, and then I'd get my ticket. Heh heh. Normal. mmm mmm (clears throat). Aloud. Arh this is the idea, build cardboard tanks, put them on the Salisbury plain, and the Germans will waste thousand of bombs on them.
BLOODNOK: Grab me scalibers and thud me gringes. You, you, You must be mad.
SEAGOON: Yes. Yes that's it. I'm mad. You'll tell my C.O. won't you. I'm mad, I'm mad. (Barks then yelps like dog) ohw ohowo ooh oh oow...
BLOODNOK : Get out of here you naughty doggie, get out of here.
FX: HEAVY DOOR SLID BACK. PHONE PICKED UP AND DIALED.
BLOODNOK: (sings) I'll follow my secret heart till I find you. (normal) Hello the war office, Ah, yes, I've had a brilliant idea, look, why don't we build cardboard tanks and (fades away)
GRAMS: AIRCRAFT HIGH IN THE SKY UNDER:
SEAGOON: So my plan was put into operation. Three weeks later the air over Salisbury Plain was vibrant with of the sound of German aircraft.
BLOODNOK: What a sight it was, I saw it all on the newsreel. The silly Germans swallowed the bait and bombed the cardboard tanks.
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service. Last night, fleets of German bombers dropped cardboard bombs on Salisbury Plain.
BLOODNOK: What! What, What, oooh oph, oph, see also my book 'It Wasn't My Idea in the First Place' - price one and nine.
SEAGOON: See also my book, 'Then Why Did Bloodnok Take the Credit' - price a shilling.
BLOODNOK: See also It, 'It Looked Good On Paper' - price sixpence.
SEAGOON: See also 'Bloodnok Tried To Deceive Me' - price thruppence.
BLOODNOK: See also 'Why Don't You Shut Up' - price tuppence.
SEAGOON: See also 'How Dare You Speak to Me Like That '- a penny.
BLOODNOK: See also 'Take That'!
BLOODNOK: Post free.
SEAGOON: You asked for my sequel - 'Take That'!
(Seagoon and Bloodnok trading slaps and yelling under:)
GREENSLADE: See also I was 'Tito's Pianist' by Max Geldray in the plain wrappers.
MUSICAL INTERVAL: Max Geldray
FX: SOUND OF TROOPS MARCHING.
SERGEANT: Left right, left right left right, left right, left right Corporal Seagoon. (aside) See also 'I Marched Him In' - price ten shillings. (normal) Corporal Seagoon Halt. Corporal Seagoon from the right number there.
SEAGOON: One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.
SERGEANT: Seagoon all correct and present sir. (slurred).
GRYTPYPE: Seajune, Bloodnok accuses you of initiating the cardboard tank idea.
SEAGOON: That's right. All mine All my crazy idea. Ehha ehha. Anyone who comes out with an idea like that should be thrown out of the army ey? Ehha ehha shouldn't they? hmm hmm hm.
GRYTPYPE: Look out of the window.
SEAGOON: Aaah aaaaaah! Cardboard tanks.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, we were able to build them out of all those lovely cardboard bombs the Germans dropped. Thanks to you...
FX: SLAPS STRIPES INTO HIS HAND.
GRYTPYPE: Sergeant Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Sergeant! No, oh, no, no, no before I sew the tapes on Sir, I have another idea.
GRYTPYPE: You have? What?
SEAGOON: Yes. Just a moment I, I'll have to think of it. Ha ha. Yes, yes, yes aha yes, yes ha hum hmm hmm hmm. The Germans, the Germans are only separated from us by the channel eh? Which is only twenty one miles wide.
FX: SPLASH, SWIMMING (FADES TO DISTANCE THEN BACK IN AGAIN). MAN CLIMBS OUT OF WATER (23 SECS LONG).
GRYTPYPE: (gasp of breath) Actually it's twenty two.
SEAGOON: I knew it was twenty two all the time, I was keeping the real distance a secret.
GRYTPYPE: Were you?
GRYTPYPE: Have a grenade.
FX: SMALL EXPLOSION.
SEAGOON: One two three four five six seven eight nine.
GRYTPYPE: Now Seagoon, what is this brilliant plan of yours?
SEAGOON: Captain, supposing the channel was a hundred miles across.
SEAGOON: Wouldn't that make the Germans think twice about invading us?
GRYTPYPE: Well, that would certainly deter them.
SEAGOON: Yes, they'd have to make a detour, get it? Ha ha huh, a detour? Ha ha hu.
GRYTPYPE: Have a grenade.
FX: SMALL EXPLOSION.
SEAGOON: One two three four five six seven eight.
MORIARTY: Oh sapristi, Yakabakaka boo. One moment Captain Grytpype, one moment please. As commander of the Fried French Forces. I think, I think that this lad's idea is very good. Tell me little nation of shopkeepers - How do you intend making the channel a hundred miles wide?
SEAGOON: That gentlemen, is your worry.
MORIARTY: And this is yours.
FX: SMALL EXPLOSION.
SEAGOON: One two three four five six seven.
GRYTPYPE: We're wearing him down dear listeners.
SEAGOON: Very well. See also my book - 'I Said Very Well' price eight pounds. Gentlemen, gentlemen I'll lay my cards on the table. I'll give you an idea that will win the war. Provided you give me my discharge from the army.
MORIARTY: It's a deal. As soon as the war is over, you will be discharged from the army.
SEAGOON: Right. Now, this is it. Build a full scale cardboard replica of England...
MORIARTY: (gasp) Oh.
SEAGOON: Anchor it off the coast of Germany. Then when the Germans have invaded it, we tow it out to sea - and pull the plug out.
MORIARTY: Build a replica you said.
SEAGOON: Build a replica.
GRYTPYPE: Wait a moment. I don't know the meaning of the word replica.
SEAGOON: That's your pigeon.
FX: COOING PIGEON.
MORIARTY: So it is and it's got a dictionary strapped to his leg and here, here, here under the R is the word replica meaning Replica meaning model of.
GRYTPYPE: Who could build this replica?
SEAGOON: Before I answer that may I ask a question?
SEAGOON: Who can build this replica?
FX: SMALL EXPLOSION.
SEAGOON: One two three four five six.
GREENSLADE: Meantime in the house of the well known cardboard contractor, on the coast of Eastbourne.
CRUN: Dear, oh dear dear. You can't get the wood you know.
BANNISTER: It'll all be over by Christmas, ol' buddy. Oh.
OSCAR (Secombe): Have you seen my teeth Henry?
FX: RATTLING AROUND (DROPPING OF NAILS UNDER:)
BANNISTER: Oh dear, oh dear, Lost his, lost his teeth.
OSCAR: I had them this morning...
FX: SOMETHING TINNY DROPPING TO GROUND.
CRUN: Ohhh. You...
OSCAR: I had them first thing this morning and er...
FX: LOUD JINGLE OF SOMETHING ELSE DROPPING
CRUN: Released all my pigeons. You...
OSCAR: I, I...
BANNISTER: ... you shouldn't stop in there so long.
OSCAR: I had them when I erm...
CRUN: ...what is it... I don't know... Carry on.
FX: SOMETHING BREAKING.
OSCAR: I lost my teeth.
BANNISTER: I know...
GREENSLADE: This went on for some time.
FX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK (ON WOODEN DOOR).
BANNISTER: Oooh ooooh ooaah! It's the invasion. We'll all be invaded in our beds. Ohh.
FX: KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK (ON WOODEN DOOR).
SEAGOON: Anybody in?
BANNISTER: Arhh, oowll!
CRUN: He speaks English!
BANNISTER: These Germans are very clever they speak German as well you know.
FX: HARD KNOCKING.
SEAGOON: Let me in!
BANNISTER: Ooah. One step nearer and we'll take off our gas masks.
SEAGOON: Dear patriotic old couple. I'm British - I can prove it by the horse I'm riding.
SEAGOON: Go on tell 'em.
HORSE (Eccles): Yeh, he's British.
CRUN: How do I know the horse is telling the truth?
SEAGOON: Have you ever heard of a horse telling a lie?
BANNISTER: He's got you there Henry.
BANNISTER: You better uncouple the locks and let him in.
CRUN: Yes, yes I 'd better let him in.
FX: DOOR OPENING.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Now which one of you two is Mister Crun?
BANNISTER: I'm Miss Banister.
SEAGOON: Never mind who you are. Which one is Henry Crun?
BANNISTER: Don't tell him Henry.
CRUN: No. I'm mmm mmm I'm not going to tell him Min. In any case...
BANNISTER: (blows raspberry) Ooh.
CRUN: Oh, In any case, why do you want to know name?
SEAGOON: Mister Crun. You make cardboard models and scenery?
CRUN: If I was Mister Crun, which I'm not admitting, yes I do.
SEAGOON: Well I'm Neddie Seagoon and I'm acting for Captain Grytpype-Thynne.
SEAGOON: He's a very bad actor.
HORSE: He's British.
SEAGOON: So is the Ray Ellington Quartet!
MUSICAL INTERVAL: RAY ELLIGNTON 'Everybody razzle dazzle'
CRUN: See also 'You Can't Get the Musicians' - price three Shillings.
SEAGOON: Mr Crun, as I was saying, have you a full scale cardboard replica of England?
CRUN: Oh I'm sorry, the last one was sold this morning.
SEAGOON: Curses. Who bought it?
CRUN: Oh dear um, Mmm, mmm. A military looking gentleman called Major Bloodnok.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok? Bloodnok. Bloodnok.
SEAGOON: The name rings a bell.
BLOODNOK: Yes. I'm a bell ringer. Ooh!
SEAGOON: You, you naughty bell ringer. What have you done with that full scale cardboard replica of England.
BLOODNOK: Ooohhh ooh.
SEAGOON: Open your coat.
SEAGOON: Mmmm, its not there. Now, you're hiding it somewhere else.
SEAGOON: Lift up your hat.
SEAGOON: Mad Dan Eccles, what are you doing under his hat?
ECCLES: I'm his barber.
BLOODNOK: Yes - He's the black sheep of the family.
ECCLES: Yes, I'm baa baa black sheep.
SEAGOON: Eccles lift up your hat.
GRAMS: GRAMOPHONE RECORD PLAYS.
SEAGOON: Good heavens - a hat band.
ECCLES: Now you know why I sleep with my hat on.
BLOODNOK: I, I, I can't lie to you Neddie. Look here. I'll, I'll tell you where the replica is. It's already being assembled off Liverpool in the river Mersey, ready for convoy
SEAGOON: Ah. I realised that my great plan was being put into operation and unless I intercepted Colonel Grytpype-Thynne and General Fried French Moriaty they would claim the idea as theirs. I planned to capture them and force them to sign a document that would give me claim as the inventor and thus enable me to buy my freedom from the army.
SEAGOON: (nasal) Thank you. (normal) To help me capture my two enemies, I hired two stalwart men. I was to meet them just outside Liverpool.
FX: WHINING WIND , UNDER:
BLUEBOTTLE: Shall I tell you something Eccles? After the war I'm going to write a book called 'I was a Commando'.
ECCLES: Fine, Fine, Fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. We are brave are commandos aren't we Eccles?
BLUEBOTTLE: You are a brave commando and I am a brave commando.
ECCLES: Yah. Fine yah.
ECCLES: Bo' da, bo' da. Yeah.
BLUEBOTTLE: We're both brave.
Being brave it is fine. 'Ere!
BLUEBOTTLE: There's a spider crawling up my leg. Oh I'm frighted. I don't like this game. Moves right show first class cowards badge.
FX: WHOOSH. RATTLING OF DUSTBIN LID.
SEAGOON: It's me you fools. Come out of that dustbin.
FX: POUNDING ON LID.
ECCLES: We were just having dinner, care to join us?
SEAGOON: I raised the lid of the invitation.
FX: RAISES LID.
GRAMS: STRING QUARTET MUSIC.
WAITER: (French accent) Your hat and coat sir?
SEAGOON: Thank you.
WAITER: Sit here sir.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
FX: DUSTBIN LID STUCK BACK ON.
GRYTPYPE: Ah got you!
SEAGOON: Quick somebody's put the lid on.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie you're not going to get away.
SEAGOON: Trapped in the dustbin. Quick, pay off the band.
ORCHESTRA: FANFARE. LINK MUSIC.
FX: WATER LAPPING.
SEAGOON: Ooah, arrgh. I awoke with a pain in my neck.
BLOODNOK: Yes, it was me.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok, where are we?
BLOODNOK: Oooh, That swine Moriarty kidnapped us in the dustbin and set us adrift on a cardboard replica of England. We're floating towards Germany lad.
ECCLES: Oooh. See also my book 'Oooh'.
SEAGOON: We'll all be killed.
BLOODNOK: Killed? A fate worse than death.
BANNISTER: Ooorh oooh eeoorh eeoorh. What's happened.
BLOODNOK: Minnie, you here as well, ooh. Let me help you up my little flower.
BANNISTER: I can get up myself.
BLOODNOK: My little self raising flour.
FX: DISTANT AIRCRAFT. UNDER:
SEAGOON: I see it all now, Grytpype is making sure we're all killed by German bombers, so that he can claim the idea as his. But he won't get away with it, I'm too clever. He won't get away with it I tell you. He...
FX: BOMBS FALLING, EXPLOSIONS. RUBBLE FALLING.
GRYTPYPE: But I did. Next show please.
ECCLES: You've been listening to the Goon Show.
FX: PISTOL SHOT.
GRYTPYPE: Next announcer please.
ORCHESTRA: THEME MUSIC.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: PLAYOUT MUSIC